In the future (if I am still around) I will probably say …
I remember where I was that day and exactly what I was doing.
As soon as I walked into the house the television was on and I saw pictures of him on the news.
I was in Chicago en route to Baltimore.
I knew it was bad …
Who knows when he exactly careened into the vicious jaws of Depression again?
Certainly by 2013, you can see his precipitous fall –
Jonathan Winters, his idol and mentor dies –
(He is forced to face his fears about his mortality after his heart surgery in 2009.)
This woman, who claims to be his wife, was obviously clueless about Brain diseases like Bipolar Disorder – but you don’t have to be an expert to notice behavioral changes in those you love and you never leave them alone.
But if you instead, distance yourself, have your own rooms – there is a significant and critical lack of intimacy there. He was probably suffocating while she slept undisturbed in her bed, woke up, dressed, left the house – now certainly dead enough for rigor mortis to have set in by the time they found him – without ever checking in on him?
Not much emotional support there.
And then his lovely daughter, Zelda, who didn’t bother to respond to an Instagram post by him on her birthday – so at least one of your kids doesn’t want have anything to do with you.
Now that fucking hurts. –
When your kids – for whatever reason (parents who have Depression or Bipolar Disorder often struggle with this.) – feel like you haven’t been there for them when they needed you.
A generator for a sense of failure at your most important job ever –
Being a parent.
You’ve flopped the test.
You won’t be getting any awards in that category.
The irony, of course, is that Robin Williams had a huge heart.
And although he may not have fit her image of what a father should be like, the little girl picked him as her biggest wish in life – meeting Robin Williams – before she died.
He spent an entire day with her.
And since she was too weak to travel, he chartered a private jet to go see her (since it was time sensitive) at her home. He watched sports with the father, engaged and entertained the sick child, and fulfilled her last wish on earth from the Make A Wish Foundation.
She died two weeks later.
He was deeply loved by others.
What was there to dislike about him?
Giving quietly to others.
Most definitely not a media hound.
A bit shy instead.
And definitely in a lot of pain.
And more guilt.
It grows exponentially.
You are powerless to stop it –
Or at least you feel you are.
And this disease is all about feelings.
Up and down.
Down and up.
This dude was Bipolar.
Deadly suicide rates.
Depressions can last for years.
Swallowed up by its ruthless tongue –
To eat away at you from the inside …
Until nothing is left.
Show is cancelled.
What the fuck.
I’m better off dead.